I Need You
by Winchestergirl67
Summary: Sisfic- Tammy's plan to end it all is cut short when Dean comes home early, can he save her in time?


_This is a oneshot written for a friend of mine. Dean is 25 and Tammy is 21, set while Sam is at Stanford and John is hunting for the demon. Hope you enjoy!_

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I couldn't remember how long I'd been like this, how long I'd felt like this- whether it had been just days, or weeks, or even months. Sure, I'd been depressed, I knew that- but I didn't know how long I'd been this far gone- too far gone to turn back. I didn't understand why I was still fighting it, why I was still fighting for anything- I didn't know why I tried anymore, none of it seemed worth it. Hunting was getting old, the job seeming more and more depressing by the week, the amount of people that we didn't seem able to save just a constant crushing weight on my shoulders, the guilt tormenting me by the day. It was only getting worse.. Every day I seemed to discover a whole new level of depression, it just felt like I was drowning and there wasn't anybody there to save me. No one who could understand the dark and evil road hunting always seemed to lead to. I just didn't want to try anymore, I was tired of pretending, tired of forcing up a smile, tired of lying to everybody- including myself. I just wanted it to stop. The nightmares, the pain, the grief- all of it. It felt like I was living in some kind of reverse nightmare, how pathetic is that? Most people are so relieved when they wake up from a nightmare, finally feeling safe again, knowing that nothing could hurt them- me? I woke up to a nightmare, every day. And I was done with that.

It wasn't like I'd never thought of it before, I'd thought of a hundred different ways to do it. But this time I was serious- I was going though with it. I knew there was no turning back now, no chance to undo what was about to happen, no second chances. But I think that I was okay with that. I sighed deeply and reached into my pocket for the small bottle of pills- staring down at them with tears in my eyes. "This is it, kid." I whispered, and then I took them. All of them. It didn't hurt yet, I didn't feel any different.. nothing seemed to change. I looked back to my reflection and forced up a small smile, nodding slowly. "And now you wait."

I jumped at the sound of the motel door opening and slamming closed, followed by the sound of footsteps walking past the door. "Hey, Tammy, it's just me-" Dean's cheery voice came through the door. "The library was closed for some reason, I don't know-" He paused for a second, I didn't know what to do, I just froze. "Tammy?" He knocked lightly on the bathroom door a couple of times. "Hey, Tam, you in there?"

"Uh, yeah-" I muttered, running a hand over my face and taking a breath. Now I really was screwed. "I'll be out in a second." I called back, trying to remain calm, my voice steady. I took a breath to compose myself before walking out of the bathroom to face him. I felt myself getting light-headed already, I didn't know how much longer I was going to last.

Dean turned to me as I opened the door, the smile on his face being almost immediately replaced by a small frown. "Are you okay?" He asked, his voice soft, the concern clear. "You don't look so good." He took a step closer and looked over me slowly.

"I'm fine." I tried to smile, tears forming in my eyes. I hadn't thought about how much I was going to miss with him- he'd saved me from this so many times, and now I'd given up. I hated myself for that, in fact, I hated myself for a lot of things. "I just-" I stopped, losing track of my thoughts as a sharp pain shot through my stomach, followed by the worst stomach ache I'd ever felt. I wasn't sure whether I was about to throw up or collapse.

"Tammy?" Dean pressed, looking at me carefully, one arm raised slightly as though he could see me getting dizzy. "Hey, Tammy, can you hear me?" I went to nod, stumbling forwards slightly into Dean's arms. "Whoa," He caught me around the tops of my arms, looking down at me in shock. "-what's wrong?" He sat me down on the couch and took a seat beside me, placing a hand to my forehead. "Jeez, just- let me get you some water."

I watched him go, realising what was in the bathroom. "Dean, wait-" But it was too late, he was already standing in the doorway, the empty bottle in his hand.

"What the hell are these?" I opened and closed my mouth, I could feel myself getting drowsy. "Tammy!" He yelled, marching back towards me and crouching down in front of me. "Have you taken them?"

"I-" I couldn't find an answer, I couldn't bear to tell him. I didn't think I had the energy left to explain it.

"Jesus," He whispered, I could see the fear in his eyes while he fought to remain calm. "How many have you taken? Huh?" He shook me slightly when I didn't answer him. "Tammy?! Please, you need to tell me.. How many have you taken?"

"I'm really tired, Dean." I whispered, I wasn't making any sense anymore, I knew that.

"Hey, stay with me, okay?" He shook his head in despair and grabbed his car keys from the table. "Tammy, you need a hospital."

"No." My voice cracked, I wasn't lasting much longer, I could feel it.

"What?" He turned around, a frown on his face. "What, do you wanna die, is that it?" He stopped and looked down at me, a mixture of realisation and horror plastered over his face. "Oh god- tell me that's not why you're trying to do here?"

"Dean-" I whispered, tears falling down my cheeks. It wasn't fear in his voice anymore, it was full blown panic. He sat down beside me, an arm around my shoulders and the other pressed against my cheek. I looked up at him, his face becoming blurry, looking further away than he was. "I'm sorry." It didn't mean anything, how could it? I'd let him down, and I was sorry for that- but I didn't expect him to forgive me.

"Hey, hey! Stay with me, okay?" He shook me slightly as my eyes fell shut. "Open your eyes, Tam!" He yelled. It felt like I was falling asleep, like when you hadn't slept for days and you just couldn't fight it anymore- except this time it hurt. My stomach hurt, my head hurt- I felt sick, more than what I'd ever felt before. But it hurt more knowing what I was leaving behind. And I hadn't realised until now, how much I'd needed him. "Don't you dare give up, don't you even dare!" I could hear him yelling, feel him tapping the side of my face- but I couldn't open my eyes. I was drifting away and I could feel it. "Tammy!"

That was the last faint yell I heard before I finally blacked out.

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**Three days later.**

I didn't know where I was. I didn't remember anything that had happened to me. For a few seconds, I thought that I was dead, that this was the dark silence of the grave- but then I heard the steady beeping from somewhere off in the distance become clearer, more steady, sounding closer. I knew that I recognised the sound, the familiar smell around me- I slowly opened my eyes to the blurred hospital room, the dull white walls, the blue sheet pulled up to my chest, wires attached to my arms.. it was a sight that I was all too familiar at waking up to. And then I remembered, I hadn't wanted to wake up this time, that had been the point. That was supposed to have been it, the last time that I'd ever close my eyes, so why hadn't- and then it hit me. The fuzzy memories came rushing back to me, Dean. I remembered, Dean screaming at me, the fear in his voice. I blinked a couple of times, my reactions seemed slower than usual, I was definitely on some sort of sedative, and I tried to focus my vision. I glanced down, my eyes pausing at my hand, seeing another one gripping it tightly, so tightly that I hadn't even felt it. I followed the arm to the dark green shirt folded just below their elbow, my stomach dropping slightly. My eyes moved upwards towards his face, his green eyes watching my every move intently. "Hey." I mumbled, my voice quieter than I'd intended, my words coming out a little slurred.

Dean didn't say anything at first, he just stared at me for a few seconds, looking as though he was unsure at how to react. "Hey?" He repeated, his voice cracked as he said it, half sounding like he wanted to laugh, half sounding as though he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Hey? You almost killed yourself and all you have to say is hey?" I could hear it in his voice, he was angry, but it was more than that, he was afraid. And that wasn't a tone I usually heard in his voice. He was never afraid.

"Dean-" I began, I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him. I couldn't lie my way out of it this time, I didn't know where I was meant to go from here.

"No." He cut me off before I had a chance to think of something to say, his tone was hard. "Do you have any idea what you've put me through, huh? You scared the life out of me, Tammy." His voice was low, but the anger was clear- he sounded furious. "I didn't know what to do, I thought-" He stopped and shook his head, softening his voice slightly. "-I thought I'd lost you." He took a deep breath, looking as though it was taking every ounce of strength that he had to remain calm. "What the hell were you thinking?" I paused for a few seconds and shook my head slowly, I didn't want to lie to him anymore, that had been the point- but I knew how he'd take the truth. "Why didn't you tell me?" He pressed, the hand not crushing mine moving to push some hair from my face, tears glistening in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me what was going on, whatever this is, we could've gotten through it together- why would you even think about-" He stopped before he got worked up again, I'd never seen him look like that before. The look of desperation, mixed up with fear and anger, he looked hurt. Hurt by what I'd tried to do, hurt that I hadn't told him, that I hadn't talked to him- I didn't know.

"Dean," I began, barely loud enough to hear myself. "-I'm sorry." I trailed off, I couldn't even look at him anymore.

Dean sighed deeply, shaking his head slowly. "Tam, I don't want you to be sorry, I want you to talk to me.. I want you to tell me what goes on in that freaky head of yours so that we don't ever end up here again." He looked down at our hands, refusing to face me anymore. "I need you here, I can't-" He sighed and squeezed my hand. "I knew you were depressed, Tam, I knew you had problems, but.. why would you try something like that?" He looked up at me again, his face now emotionless. "Didn't you think about me for a second in this, huh? Did you think for a second what it would've been like for me to find you like that? To have to tell dad-_ tell Sam-_ what you'd done. You are not just taking the pain away, if that's what you think- you're just passing it all onto me."

I felt the tears finally fall down my cheeks at that. He was right. I hadn't thought about it for a second, I wouldn't let myself- because that was the thing that terrified me more than anything else- the thought that Dean might turn on me, the only one who'd ever been there though everything, I couldn't take it if he'd have hated me. "I can't do it anymore, Dean, I can't fight it." I whispered, tears now freely falling from my eyes, everything built up over the last few weeks all coming out at once. "This life, the hurt and the pain and-" I stopped, my breath catching in my throat, a choked sob escaping me. "-I can't handle it anymore." Deep down I think he knew that, I think he knew how bad it was, how much it hurt- but he'd thought we could make it. He had never been the one to give up, that was me. "I'm so tired of trying to be okay.. I just want it to stop.. all of it- I want it to be over."

"Tammy-" Dean moved to sit on the edge of my bed, facing me. "-when are you going to get it into your head, this isn't the answer. This isn't the way out- giving up is not the solution here, why the hell can't you see that? What do I have to do to make you see that?" He rested a hand on my shoulder, gripping it tightly, his other one still holding one of mine. "Why can't you understand, Tammy, you have so much to give.. and you're so freakin' awesome-" His voice broke, I could hear him becoming more and more upset. "I can't lose you, sis.. I won't lose you.. You're all I've got."

"Dean-" I couldn't see him like that, I couldn't see him in pain, on the verge of tears- I couldn't listen to the desperate plea in his voice. I just wanted it to be over. "-I can't-"

"No, you listen to me now, we can get through this, okay? You are not on your own." I shook my head, I couldn't look him in the face. "Me and you. Like we always do- we can make it past this, and I know that you can't see it now, sis, but this will get better. I get that it doesn't seem like it will, but we are gonna be fine, you hear me? We're gonna be just fine." He reached out and gently wiped the tears from my face, resting his hands on my cheeks and forcing me to look up at him. "Please, I need you to believe that, I'm begging you here- don't ever do that again." He rested his forehead against mine as I cried, holding me like that for a couple of minutes before he moved to wrap his arms around me tightly, his cheek rested against the top of my head. I could see how hard he was working to hold back the tears of his own. I couldn't help it, I just cried, unable to stop, sobbing into his chest. He tightened his arms around me, placing a soft kiss to the top of my head. "I got you, kid." He whispered, rubbing a hand slowly up and down my back. "I've got you."

For the first time in weeks, I felt safe. I felt like it was okay- that I had a second chance. And even if I wanted that or not- I wasn't sure- I had it. And I had to take it, for Dean. Because he never gave up on me, not even when I'd hit my lowest, and he was still here. So that's where I had to be, here. With him. Because I believed him, we'd be okay. We always were.

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_Thank you for reading, hope you liked it! :) _


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